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What is happiness to you?
posted on Tuesday, 13 July 2021 04:21
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 I have not write for so long I don't know how to start. I just feel kinda empty but at the same time my head is filled with so many thoughts it's starting to get heavy. So I opt to write in this blog. For recent life update, I'm currently doing my internship. I've finished all degree-related tasks and I guess I can graduate next month. But seeing the current COVID-19 situation in Malaysia it is a little too far retched to dream of a convocation. Not gonna lie, it sucks. It's my childhood dream to wear that graduation gown. I've watched many people before me graduated. And has always long to receive my own scroll on-stage. But if it is what God wills then there is nothing I can do about it. I hope I can further my studies in the future. For knowledge is endless. Besides that short life update, I've been thinking about the subject of love. Well, actually I stopped thinking of finding it. True love seems more like a fiction to me. I always see my friend constantly getting heartbroken by different guys. Ending with one, then straight away going to another. There was once a time I wonder what idiot would do that (sorry, friend). But I actually have the answer all along. Deep inside our hearts we all long to be loved. Turns out I was looking for love in every little things too. I needed that reassurance too. I don't have to be in a relationship with guys to need to experience this. When I'm alone I also begged for that feeling of warmth. But I too fell like love is too far fetched for me to dream of. I can't help but feel I am undeserving to be loved. After all, I have been alone for the rest of my life. People say to believe to believe in Jodoh and stuff but I am slowly doubting it. Is it too bad for me? At this point I have no idea what I'm typing anymore lol. My fingers are just moving on its own as if its been possessed. I think I did manage to take off some steam by writing. Hope you have a wonderful day bye Growth
posted on Sunday, 7 March 2021 21:44
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 I finally started my internship period last week. Not gonna lie it was really hard. Physically and emotionally. Adapting to changes has always been something I find hard to overcome. Growing really is hard. Success is never easy. Dreams might stay as dreams... These harsh truth haunted me everyday. When someone ask if I'm okay, funnily I have no bloody idea. Am I happy or sad? I feel like I stopped feeling these things. No matter what I have to go through this this. I feel like I'm getting further away from the joy of life. Maybe I just lack inspirations. Idk. Mistakes. I made a plethora of mistakes. I think I'm starting to grow numb from doing so many mistakes. I feel like it's the best way to learn new things. Living alone has always been something I fear most because I'm scared of doing these mistakes. But Alhamdulillah God really helped me to be strong enough to face these fears. Maybe one day I will be able to grow from all these mistakes and become a a very very strong woman. A woman version that I truly aspire to be, At this point I have no idea what I'm writing anymore. I'm just letting my heart flow through my typing fingers. There is nothing inspiring for me to give here. Just the ups and downs of my life. Yeah :) .. Redo
posted on Wednesday, 3 February 2021 07:25
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 When I was younger, someone I used to know told me he does not share his problems with people. He just "bury them deep" inside his heart. It was probably a decade ago but those words were as clear as day to me. I don't really remember that person now but I actually grew up thinking that I should too - bury my feelings deep down. Growing up, I never once talk about my feelings or show my heart to anyone. Not my friends, not my family. Thinking back, I felt like I was the loneliest person in this world. But now, I'm too tired to go through all that. Not gonna lie, but hiding feelings like that is very painful. Things don't stay the same forever. Now, I wish I could speak up more. I want the world to see me. I wanted to feel free from all these haunted thoughts inside my head that is slowly killing me. If I can redo this, I'd tell him not to bury your feelings. I'd tell people to speak up when the weight inside their heart is too heavy to bear alone. But it's a little too late. |
